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There has been a lot of talk recently about the role of attraction in a relationship. I'm sure you've been in a situation like this: you are dating a woman, and things are going great. She's fantastic to look at, and you are enjoying the fun times. One day though, you wake up and notice that she's not doing it for you anymore. The attraction has faded, and you are left with someone who is a bit of a stranger.
You've seen it happen, and you might be wondering why it does. Let's look at this.
There are several components to attraction. The one we all know is the physical side of things - how she looks, in other words. While it is what generally reels us in, it is also the first thing to fade when the loss of attraction starts. Sometimes we make matters worse by focusing on what we don't like about the person, to boot. This only makes matters worse.
For a man, I think it's hardwiring. We're born to be problem solvers. So we look at what we don't like about us and try to fix it. Unfortunately, a bit of that thinking leaks over into our relationships. It can be a bad thing, but know this - physical attraction can be resparked, and it's a wonderful thing when it does.
We'll get to that later. Let's look at the other components of attraction. The next part has to do with physical closeness. A close companion to the first part, it has to do with exciting our sense of touch.
Have you ever been with a woman who merely had to touch you to get you excited? It can be exhilarating. The touch says she wants you, is attracted to you, and later on, loves you.
It's a reassuring feeling, and serves to deepen our caring about the other person.
The next part is tricky. It has to do with our competence. In any relationship, you will have some sort of balance between the aspects each person brings forward. In general, you have people of the same "caliber" attracted to each other. It's a matter of what is important to them - intelligence, physical prowess, social skills, etc.
A celebrity couple is a great example of how this works. Both sides have reassurance in their own right, due to their stardom. The average guy off the streets would be massively intimidated. Not so with each other, so the fit is natural. This is the least influential quality I believe. Some celebrities are more grounded, and some "normal" people just don't care or aren't intimidated by the whole thing.
The next part is that of mutual liking. Simply put, if they like you, and are not a needy type, odds are that you'll like them more than if the feeling wasn't reciprocated.
The last part is the complementary effect you have towards the other person. This can be confusing. Take a look at how you "complement" someone in a relationship. You might have similar likes, but you might behave in opposing manners. Or vice versa. It's how you work together as a whole. How do you mesh together?
Now that we've outlined what compromises attraction, let's look at what we can do to keep it going.
The first thing to remember is this: if it is going to fade, it will fade. That goes for either person. You can try and keep them attracted, but it might not always work.
On the physical end, there is much you can do. The first is obvious - physically try and keep yourself in shape. Many people slip during a relationship, and get out of shape. Or fail to take care of themselves. Your mate will take note of this. A bit of maintenance goes a long way.
Next, try to be objective about your relationship, and focus on what you DO like about your mate physically. This can't stop physical attraction from fading but you'll appreciate them more.
Another part of this is much harder to change, but it helps most of these aspects. Allow her to be herself. Sounds simple, but we find ways to control, and keep a firm grip on the other person. Often, out of fear that they'll leave us. It can be a self fulfilling prophecy. If you show yourself to be confident, and have taken a great interest in her as a person, she'll find it hard to stray.
Just allow her to do things that allow her to be her. If she's a flirt, let her! If you've done what you need to do, she'll come back to you.
As far as liking goes, if you do your diligence, and take an interest in her as a person, you'll find that you have someone who will remain loyal to you, and attracted as well.
If you can find how you mesh together early on, then your attraction will probably thrive in the long run. Most relationships fail in part due to this. Many, many couples fail to reconcile differences in civil fashion. Being able to do so IS how you complement the other person. Find the opposing parts, and learn to thrive off the energy created, instead of allowing it to dissolve things!
Work diligently and you can sustain attraction for years, even decades. Look at elderly couples if you don't believe me. Work hard and focus on the good!
You've seen it happen, and you might be wondering why it does. Let's look at this.
There are several components to attraction. The one we all know is the physical side of things - how she looks, in other words. While it is what generally reels us in, it is also the first thing to fade when the loss of attraction starts. Sometimes we make matters worse by focusing on what we don't like about the person, to boot. This only makes matters worse.
For a man, I think it's hardwiring. We're born to be problem solvers. So we look at what we don't like about us and try to fix it. Unfortunately, a bit of that thinking leaks over into our relationships. It can be a bad thing, but know this - physical attraction can be resparked, and it's a wonderful thing when it does.
We'll get to that later. Let's look at the other components of attraction. The next part has to do with physical closeness. A close companion to the first part, it has to do with exciting our sense of touch.
Have you ever been with a woman who merely had to touch you to get you excited? It can be exhilarating. The touch says she wants you, is attracted to you, and later on, loves you.
It's a reassuring feeling, and serves to deepen our caring about the other person.
The next part is tricky. It has to do with our competence. In any relationship, you will have some sort of balance between the aspects each person brings forward. In general, you have people of the same "caliber" attracted to each other. It's a matter of what is important to them - intelligence, physical prowess, social skills, etc.
A celebrity couple is a great example of how this works. Both sides have reassurance in their own right, due to their stardom. The average guy off the streets would be massively intimidated. Not so with each other, so the fit is natural. This is the least influential quality I believe. Some celebrities are more grounded, and some "normal" people just don't care or aren't intimidated by the whole thing.
The next part is that of mutual liking. Simply put, if they like you, and are not a needy type, odds are that you'll like them more than if the feeling wasn't reciprocated.
The last part is the complementary effect you have towards the other person. This can be confusing. Take a look at how you "complement" someone in a relationship. You might have similar likes, but you might behave in opposing manners. Or vice versa. It's how you work together as a whole. How do you mesh together?
Now that we've outlined what compromises attraction, let's look at what we can do to keep it going.
The first thing to remember is this: if it is going to fade, it will fade. That goes for either person. You can try and keep them attracted, but it might not always work.
On the physical end, there is much you can do. The first is obvious - physically try and keep yourself in shape. Many people slip during a relationship, and get out of shape. Or fail to take care of themselves. Your mate will take note of this. A bit of maintenance goes a long way.
Next, try to be objective about your relationship, and focus on what you DO like about your mate physically. This can't stop physical attraction from fading but you'll appreciate them more.
Another part of this is much harder to change, but it helps most of these aspects. Allow her to be herself. Sounds simple, but we find ways to control, and keep a firm grip on the other person. Often, out of fear that they'll leave us. It can be a self fulfilling prophecy. If you show yourself to be confident, and have taken a great interest in her as a person, she'll find it hard to stray.
Just allow her to do things that allow her to be her. If she's a flirt, let her! If you've done what you need to do, she'll come back to you.
As far as liking goes, if you do your diligence, and take an interest in her as a person, you'll find that you have someone who will remain loyal to you, and attracted as well.
If you can find how you mesh together early on, then your attraction will probably thrive in the long run. Most relationships fail in part due to this. Many, many couples fail to reconcile differences in civil fashion. Being able to do so IS how you complement the other person. Find the opposing parts, and learn to thrive off the energy created, instead of allowing it to dissolve things!
Work diligently and you can sustain attraction for years, even decades. Look at elderly couples if you don't believe me. Work hard and focus on the good!
About the Author:
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