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It takes two people to make the decision to form a couple relationship . Your first such relationship to either live together or get married was probably made between two single individuals with few or no extra ties. It was less likely that there were children whose needs were to be considered at this stage.
relationship s or marriages made later in your life are more likely to have children attached to one or both of the couple. These children and their needs will change the way the new partnership can be structured.
For many couples who have successful partnerships there is a need to change this to a marriage when they want to start their own family. They feel the need for that total commitment to each other as a basis for the security of the children.
For some people becoming pregnant is very easy; for others it can cause great problems. Either party can have a low fertility problem and the explorations and treatments can put much pressure on even relatively strong relationship s.
These issues of fertility and their affect on relationship s will be dealt with in later articles. To-day we are assuming you are in a couple relationship and there are children involved in your joint family life.
The pressures and changes that occur, as the children arrive, on the couples relationship can be quite damaging in the long term in some cases. In others the developing family can be extremely fulfilling to one or both parents.
Few couples realise the enormity of the change that takes place when their roles as Husband and Wife become extended into including being a Mother or Father too. It would be a good idea for you to take a pause at this point. You need to take time to consider what positives this change added to your relationship and how it might have added stresses to your marriage when it took place.
Many adults, particularly when under pressure, assume children understand the adult problems. It is very important that parents remember that children have no experience of adult emotions. It is unfair of the parents to try to involve them in the couple's affairs and the solutions they are trying to find to their problems.
When you find yourself in a situation where your own original relationship is becoming so lost in your day to day family existence, you are suddenly faced with the suggestion of divorce as the only escape route.
This threat often reflects the need for the couple to re-think their deeper issues of what their original relationship was about. That basic relationship has its own needs and those needs have possibly been drowned out by the needs of the children.
It is time to stand back and re-balance all the different roles you have to juggle. If the pressures have caused rows and arguments, you the adults are actually arguing over grown up issues.
A common problem is when parents tell the children they do not love each other any more. It is frightening to a child to hear that their parents can stop loving each other. They have no understanding of the different type of love between the parents from the love they experience from their parents. So maybe their parent will one day just stop loving them. Scary stuff!
A child is 100% dependent on the situation that it knows for its security and safety however bad that may seem to other outsiders. The threat that a parent might leave or take them away from their known life is very frightening. To hear threats and suggestions about what might happen can cause mch unhappiness to the children.
Of course, as they get older and into their teens, they are better able to understand the compromises that can be reached during a separation or divorce. Children do learn to live with whatever life throws at them, but their fear of change through the loss of a parent is very strong. I hear this regularly from adults re-living the experience of their parents divorces when they were children. For so many their dearest wish was to find a way to get the parents back together again.
There is always a danger that the children become too involved in the negotiating of the adults over the adults future. This too can add much to the childrens pain and add to their feelings of insecurity. They need to know what is going to happen when it is definite, rather than what might be.
It is very difficult for them if they are expected to take sides between the parents. They will learn from experience , soon enough, if one parent is less available than another. They will be able to understand the reasons later on when they become adult themselves.
It is difficult to put ones self in the childrens shoes, but the adults would help them deal with the situation better, if the adults remember the children do not understand the implications and workings of adult relationship s and emotions. They are too complicated!
Every argument, every comment the child hears as a personal attack on their world and their security. They have no way of protecting themselves and the parents must be aware of their fears about it all.
If you have found this article helpful and interesting I suggest you visit my website where these issues are explored in more depth. You might find the report offered about marriages facing divorce would be helpful to you at this time. To visit the website click the link below: www.readaboutyourself.com/divorce.html
Use Ctrl+Click to follow the link or copy and paste it into your browser. I look forward to meeting you there. If you have questions or queries please use the Contact Us page.
See you at the Website Dr E Gordon
relationship s or marriages made later in your life are more likely to have children attached to one or both of the couple. These children and their needs will change the way the new partnership can be structured.
For many couples who have successful partnerships there is a need to change this to a marriage when they want to start their own family. They feel the need for that total commitment to each other as a basis for the security of the children.
For some people becoming pregnant is very easy; for others it can cause great problems. Either party can have a low fertility problem and the explorations and treatments can put much pressure on even relatively strong relationship s.
These issues of fertility and their affect on relationship s will be dealt with in later articles. To-day we are assuming you are in a couple relationship and there are children involved in your joint family life.
The pressures and changes that occur, as the children arrive, on the couples relationship can be quite damaging in the long term in some cases. In others the developing family can be extremely fulfilling to one or both parents.
Few couples realise the enormity of the change that takes place when their roles as Husband and Wife become extended into including being a Mother or Father too. It would be a good idea for you to take a pause at this point. You need to take time to consider what positives this change added to your relationship and how it might have added stresses to your marriage when it took place.
Many adults, particularly when under pressure, assume children understand the adult problems. It is very important that parents remember that children have no experience of adult emotions. It is unfair of the parents to try to involve them in the couple's affairs and the solutions they are trying to find to their problems.
When you find yourself in a situation where your own original relationship is becoming so lost in your day to day family existence, you are suddenly faced with the suggestion of divorce as the only escape route.
This threat often reflects the need for the couple to re-think their deeper issues of what their original relationship was about. That basic relationship has its own needs and those needs have possibly been drowned out by the needs of the children.
It is time to stand back and re-balance all the different roles you have to juggle. If the pressures have caused rows and arguments, you the adults are actually arguing over grown up issues.
A common problem is when parents tell the children they do not love each other any more. It is frightening to a child to hear that their parents can stop loving each other. They have no understanding of the different type of love between the parents from the love they experience from their parents. So maybe their parent will one day just stop loving them. Scary stuff!
A child is 100% dependent on the situation that it knows for its security and safety however bad that may seem to other outsiders. The threat that a parent might leave or take them away from their known life is very frightening. To hear threats and suggestions about what might happen can cause mch unhappiness to the children.
Of course, as they get older and into their teens, they are better able to understand the compromises that can be reached during a separation or divorce. Children do learn to live with whatever life throws at them, but their fear of change through the loss of a parent is very strong. I hear this regularly from adults re-living the experience of their parents divorces when they were children. For so many their dearest wish was to find a way to get the parents back together again.
There is always a danger that the children become too involved in the negotiating of the adults over the adults future. This too can add much to the childrens pain and add to their feelings of insecurity. They need to know what is going to happen when it is definite, rather than what might be.
It is very difficult for them if they are expected to take sides between the parents. They will learn from experience , soon enough, if one parent is less available than another. They will be able to understand the reasons later on when they become adult themselves.
It is difficult to put ones self in the childrens shoes, but the adults would help them deal with the situation better, if the adults remember the children do not understand the implications and workings of adult relationship s and emotions. They are too complicated!
Every argument, every comment the child hears as a personal attack on their world and their security. They have no way of protecting themselves and the parents must be aware of their fears about it all.
If you have found this article helpful and interesting I suggest you visit my website where these issues are explored in more depth. You might find the report offered about marriages facing divorce would be helpful to you at this time. To visit the website click the link below: www.readaboutyourself.com/divorce.html
Use Ctrl+Click to follow the link or copy and paste it into your browser. I look forward to meeting you there. If you have questions or queries please use the Contact Us page.
See you at the Website Dr E Gordon
About the Author:
Dr.Gordon has spent 25 years working with couples experiencing marital problems.Using the knowledge gathered from many hundreds of patients she has written a New Free report which describes some of the pitfalls to be avoided at this sensitive time.You will find many helpful tips and ideas of the support that is available to you at this critical time.
